The specific situation was trying to bike to a doctor's office late in the afternoon after being unable to go earlier due to non-24 sleep disorder and executive dysfunction and struggling to pack and get out of the door. After being slowed down beyond my plans by unpaved roads, traffic lights, and parking lots, I got turned away from the door when the office closed, and did not have a safe way to get back home, since the sun was setting, I was not prepared for the cold weather, and I could neither safely stay outdoors at night in an office park without food or shelter, nor safely bike home while crying, and did not have a ride arranged.
Growing up, my parents punished and traumatized me for not getting straight As in classes and cramming for extracurriculars, judged my worth based on academic performance and following their orders, fed me stories about how not getting into a top college would turn me into a burger-flipper, then forced me to the most difficult computer science program in the country, which together pushed me into burnout, dropping out, and a years-long CPTSD mental breakdown. They tried to force me to become their idea of a top student, ignoring the existential harm they caused.
Similarly, other people ignore the harm they cause (regardless if they want to hurt me or not) when they want me to put myself into unpleasant situations which have hurt me in the past for little gain (for example failing driving exams time and time again, the above-mentioned biking trip, rude and disrespectful doctors delaying care for an hour and then complaining when I asked questions and couldn't make decisions quickly enough, and psychiatrists who refuse care when I go nonverbal and want to communicate over text), and blame and accuse me of being "self-destructive" when I refuse to do as told.
> Avoiding the situation post-exposure unfortunately “un-does” much of the benefit of the exposure: it reinforces the neural pathways that make you feel a sense of danger in the first place.
It is perfectly rational for me to not harm myself further by seeking out situations which (promise benefits, cause substantial harm, and the benefits fail to materialize as expected), and for me to avoid people who pressure me to do so. If I find a route to doing things which benefits me more than it hurts, then I will start doing it.
I’m very sorry you’ve had bad experiences and difficult circumstances. Of course, no one can make you follow a treatment protocol: you have to want the freedom that comes with conquering your fear, and be willing to go through some discomfort to get there. It’s a very personal choice.
I will say again that if you’re inclined, you might consider starting with something that seems like a small challenge. Even a small victory can really boost your confidence and motivation. Finally, you might consider working with a therapist. Telehealth is a nice option that works well for many people.
Growing up, my parents punished and traumatized me for not getting straight As in classes and cramming for extracurriculars, judged my worth based on academic performance and following their orders, fed me stories about how not getting into a top college would turn me into a burger-flipper, then forced me to the most difficult computer science program in the country, which together pushed me into burnout, dropping out, and a years-long CPTSD mental breakdown. They tried to force me to become their idea of a top student, ignoring the existential harm they caused.
Similarly, other people ignore the harm they cause (regardless if they want to hurt me or not) when they want me to put myself into unpleasant situations which have hurt me in the past for little gain (for example failing driving exams time and time again, the above-mentioned biking trip, rude and disrespectful doctors delaying care for an hour and then complaining when I asked questions and couldn't make decisions quickly enough, and psychiatrists who refuse care when I go nonverbal and want to communicate over text), and blame and accuse me of being "self-destructive" when I refuse to do as told.
> Avoiding the situation post-exposure unfortunately “un-does” much of the benefit of the exposure: it reinforces the neural pathways that make you feel a sense of danger in the first place.
It is perfectly rational for me to not harm myself further by seeking out situations which (promise benefits, cause substantial harm, and the benefits fail to materialize as expected), and for me to avoid people who pressure me to do so. If I find a route to doing things which benefits me more than it hurts, then I will start doing it.